So I play this online game called "Evony." It has a built-in chat feature, which is nice because you can talk to other people when there's nothing else to do in the game. (My screen name is Ozymandius).
This morning, nobody else was chatting, so I had a conversation with myself.
My wife read it, and said I should post it on my blog, so here it is:

[Ozymandius]: How's everybody doing?
(long pause)
[Ozymandius]: We're all good, Ozy; how are YOU doing?
[Ozymandius]: Oh, I'm fine. Maxin' and relaxin'.
(pause)
[Ozymandius]: Chillin' and killin'.
(pause)
[Ozymandius]: Trainin' and brainin'
(pause)
[Ozymandius]: You konw. Same old, same old.
[Ozymandius]: (know)
[Ozymandius]: That's cool, man. Same here.
(long pause)
[Ozymandius]: Hey, Ozy!
[Ozymandius]: Yeah?
[Ozymandius]: Didn't I see you the other day, down at the Piggly-Wiggly?
(pause)
[Ozymandius]: I dunno, man. What day?
[Ozymandius]: Saturday. You were there with some guy in purple trousers and a Dr. Seuss kind of Cat-In-the-Hat hat?
[Ozymandius]: And some fine-looking hottie?
[Ozymandius]: Yeah, that was me.
[Ozymandius]: & my woman, and a dude named Flea Stick
[Ozymandius]: Well, why'd he have those purple trousers?
[Ozymandius]: Dude likes the color purple. Says it makes him feel all royal and ****. And he's gotta wear trousers; man cant' run around nekkid.
[Ozymandius]: That cool. But why he wearin' that funky hat?
[Kaeruil]: lol
[Ozymandius]: Stick likes a wicked sky, man.
[Ozymandius]: Oh. Yeah, I guess that is pretty wicked.
[Ozymandius]: Where'd he get it?
(pause)
[Ozymandius]: The hat?
[Ozymandius]: Hell, man. I don't know. HE don't know.
[Ozymandius]: Ol' Flea Stick's kind of wild. He got into the meth pretty bad.
[Ozymandius]: Went out one night, broke as hell. Must have scored some meth somehow.
[Ozymandius]: Woke up the next mornin', couldn't remember a THING.
[Ozymandius]: But he had twenny dollas in his pocket
[Ozymandius]: And he had a bag full of lollipops
[Ozymandius]: And he had this new hat
[Ozymandius]: He done quit the meth after that.
[Ozymandius]: Figured he should get out while he's ahead
[Ozymandius]: An still got all his teeth.
[Ozymandius]: Yeah, I hear that. Meth's bad for the ****in' teeth.
[Ozymandius]: Breath stank too.
[Ozymandius]: hard to pick up the hotties with your breath all stanked up.
(long pause)
[Ozymandius]: So... what was you doin' at the Piggly?
[Ozymandius]: Hell, man. I hate to say it, but I'm back on the Nickel Nips.
[Spike2110]: How goes the war?
[Ozymandius]: Bought a whole mess of them wax bottles, an some pixie stix
[Ozymandius]: Hey, spike; war's fine in my neck of the woods.
[Ozymandius]: You?
(long pause)
[Ozymandius]: Anyway, Ozy... so I'm downin' the stix, and hittin' the nips pretty hard.
[Ozymandius]: Must have passed out or sometin'- probably a sugar coma.
[Ozymandius]: Woke up the next mornin', and my A/C had died
[Ozymandius]: So all them empty bottles done melted, an I'm laying in a big pool of wax, like some goddam candle wick or somtin' [Ozymandius]: lol that's messed up!
[Ozymandius]: I know- that's what I'm saying!
[Ozymandius]: Well, that's why I avoid the N-Nips.
(pause)
[Ozymandius]: Those stix dont' do you no good either. First you be drinkin' them, then be runnin' around all crazy. [Ozymandius]: Next you're snortin' pixie lines, using the wrapper as a straw
[Ozymandius]: Holdin' up a 7-11 to get your fix of stix.
[Ozymandius]: Freak Le Freak, you know- the Freakster? He got busted for that just last weak.
[Ozymandius]: week.
[Ozymandius]: Doin' time up in Shawshank.
[Ozymandius]: Ol' Freaky?
[Ozymandius]: Crap, man! I din't know that!
[Ozymandius]: I'm gonna miss him.
[Ozymandius]: When'd this happen?
[Ozymandius]: Couple a weeks ago.
[Ozymandius]: Well, crap. What happen'd to the Freakmobile?
[Ozymandius]: His car? Impounded. ****er drove it through the front doors of the store, hopped out, ran to the candy aisle and started grabbing the stix
[Ozymandius]: Dented up the grill pretty bad
[Ozymandius]: lol Freakster crazy.
[Ozymandius]: So he hops out of the front, an he starts grabbin' those stix, and just shoven 'em in his mouth.
[Ozymandius]: Clerk pulls out a piece
[Ozymandius]: (I know this, 'cause Clara was there, gettin' some milk)
[Ozymandius]: Clerk pulls out a piece, and points it at Freaky, his hands' was all shaking
[Ozymandius]: And Freaky don't care- he's too hopped up on the pixies
[Ozymandius]: But he turn around, and he look at that clerk
[Ozymandius]: An you know, he's got that one crazy eye, the red one?
[Ozymandius]: An' he says, "don't ever mess with the devil when he's eatin'!"
[Ozymandius]: Well, that clerk, he just back away back behind the counter, puts down that piece, and calls the po-po
[Ozymandius]: lol That's messed up! How long's he away for?
[Ozymandius]: I dunno, man. I ain't no lawyer.
(long pause)
[Ozymandius]: Well, I gots ta go.
[Ozymandius]: Alright. See you later.
[Ozymandius]: Night.
[Ozymandius]: Wait... "Night"...? Where the **** you at?
[Ozymandius]: 'Stralia. Just came down here to get some meat pies.
[Ozymandius]: Oh. Night, then.


(Disclaimers:
The names "Flea Stick" and "Freak de Freak, the Freakster" were borrowed from Jon Hodgeman's list of 700 Hobo Names.
The anecdote about the new hat was inspired by a true story, with some of the details changed due to humor and bad memory.
Freak de Freak has since escaped prison, and is still at large